bradsblogsucks

Voice of Brad: True or Fiction?

2006-10-16T16:51:00.000-07:00

"Hey, Meg!"
you ask
"Where's Brad been?"
and I'm all
"In LA.."
coyly, because I didn't want to ruin the surprise that Brad is now a partner, a father, a financial analyst and therefore has no time for silly things like blogs.

But enough is enough. I'm back as the Voice of Brad since he will not speak for himself, I will speak for him (or rather, allow the Brad Spirit to speak through me) in order to answer all YOUR questions, Dear Readers.

Yes, a lot has changed in Brad's world. But let's not assume it's all the crazy stuff we've been hearing. I'm asserting the truth through all of these lies, on Brad's behalf. Starting....now!

Qwestion 1: I heard that Brad had a baby.

FICTION! Brad, biologically, cannot have children. He was told this at a very young age when asking his mother the difference between him and his three lovely sisters. TRUTH! Brad's lady, Patria, on the other hand, as a female, did give birth to bouncing baby girl named Haley. And Haley is half Patria and half Brad, which means that she is two quarters beautiful and sweet, one quarter sweaty and one quarter good at making budget spreadsheets.

Kwehstian 2: I heard that Brad was a Scientologist and asserts that Baby Haley shall play with no dolls that do not have his face sewn onto them. Is that true?

YES IT'S TRUE!

And almost as horrifying as my photoshop skills (well actually I do such magic on Microsoft painter so there!)

Brad, come back to the web. The rest of us bloggers are starting to feel kind of "cool" and doesn't that defeat the purpose?

Too Cool to Post but Not Too Cool to go to Vegas

2006-03-30T14:56:00.000-08:00

Just so everyone knows, Brad Sharp is taking a vacation right now. He's in Las Vegas with some friends, one of whom is "Chris".

I think this "Chris" character is a bad influence.

I just pray the boys stay away from the "devils mouthwash" and the "devil's yahtzee". I just pray.

Sending Out an SOS

2006-03-27T16:25:00.000-08:00

Close your eyes.
Shhh. Close them.

Think of warmth. Think of Brad's warm supple forehead. Give it a kiss, that's right, pucker your lips and embrace the silk stretch of skin above his eyebrows. Graze his forehead with your wet lips and stroke his hair.

Tell him it will be alright. Whisper "Come back to the web, baby, come back to us."

Now open up your arms and virtually hug Brad, send thought signals of that hug. Make that hug travel the miles, the rivers and streams that separate you two.

Now open your eyes and call his cellphone. No answer? Voicemail? Hang up an call again. That's right, call again. Call again and leave kissing noises on his voicemail. *muah* *muahmuahmuah* *muah*

Letter from Brad

2006-03-24T10:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Meg,

Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from my lifepartner who mentioned that this blog of libel was in existence. As my shaky fingers touched the keyboard, I managed to type in the correct web address and arrive at a so-called "blog" you started for me. I have to admit, Meg, my feelings are more than a little hurt by your act of glib cattiness. I thought we were friends.

The world of blogging was not meant to be hurtful or cause someone to feel uncomfortable for the sake a few silly laughs. Blogging is supposed to be used for the powers of good, not evil. I think what you're doing is wrong and I'm not going to take it anymore.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer and my therapist.

Sincerely,

Brad "I'm Mad at You" Sharpie

Ignoring War

2006-03-23T15:53:00.000-08:00

Brad is attempting to ignore the presence of this blog. He's doing this NOT because he's always been taught to "Kill Em' With Kindness" and "Be a Bigger Person," he's doing this because he hasn't figured out how to add a second blog to his blogger page and therefore cannot beat me at my own game.

Also, if he pretends that he's too busy to reply or retaliate because he's, "watching the UCLA game and at least UCLA is still in it UNLIKE CAL," he's lying as well. Brad doesn't watch college basketball aka "HOOPS", he watches child porn.

Ignore that, bitch.

Breaking News Scandal--Brad's Fault

2006-03-23T10:47:00.000-08:00

We've all heard of the accusations against all-star athletes such as Barry Bonds, Ben Johnson, Jason Giambi and Lance Armstrong. And with the release of the latest trend in the McCarthyism of professional sports, Game of Shadows: Barry Bonds, BALCO, and the Steroids Scandal That Rocked Professional Sports By Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams, everyone and their mom is up in arms about the use of illegal substances for performance enhancement.

That's why Brad's mom called me today to reveal that she was concerned about the rampant abuse of White-Out and erasers in the field of Finance (she didn't personally connect her son to this story but my sources have done that legwork for me already). The distinct blend of white-out and erasers, also known as "White-Balling" has become increasingly more frequent in the Finance industry to enhance the natural human affinity to "make mistakes". "This performance enhancer is the worst thing to come tax season since the calculator or (gulp) the Backspace Key," quotes the guy sitting next to me on BART this morning, clearly hallucinating off of his own urine.

We're in trouble when our Financial Heroes or "Fearoes" reach out to the dark side of life in order to perform their task of numerical number punching better. Brad's mom, Cindy-Anne Marie Ferduccio* (for the purposes of this article, all names have been changed), said the growing intensity to compete with Financial Masters or "Fasters" such as Paul Volcker, has driven "people like Brad" to Whiteball their clients information, covering mistakes.

According to the lady who sits across from my office, "Whiteballing doesn't make you smarter, it just makes the boo-boo's less dramatic." I also noticed as she said this, she scratched at some white residue left on her fingernails as she frigidly brushed away crumbs of orange rubber from her paper.

Whiteballing: Putting an *asterisk at the end of Brad Sharp's Name